Something In The Water
by Tears.of.Lilith
Summary: Something is up with the Intrepid crew. Have they all gone completely mad? WARNING: SLASH, SWEARING, AND RECREATIONAL DRUG USE, and that's not even the best part! Please review? Just one?
1. Part One

**Disclaimer: I do not intend to make money off of this story, and is merely written to satisfy the many unanswered questions surrounding the sexual exploits of Kathryn Janeway. I think she was a lot more interesting then Paramount let her be, so I borrowed her - and several of her crewmates - to craft prose and parody into this story. I did give her back though. Don't sue. Paramount is All Powerful, and I am merely a humble critic.**

_**StarDate 53612.7 Official Transcript Regarding Misconduct Trial, Lt. Commander Tuvok Prosecuting**_

"For the record I'd like it to note that I was minding my own business when _she _showed up. Harmlessly in the alleyway, enjoying a smoke. What was I smoking? That's private. Suffice it to say, I was in a compromised state when _she_ found me. I was in the alley as I said, and she came out of nowhere, a vision in the night. At first, I thought, I was hallucinating, but then she approached me. Stood close to me, a little _too_ close. What do you mean what is too close? Will you just let me tell you what happened and stop interrupting me?

Thank-you.

'Hey there,' I greeted, and she was wearing a strange uniform.

'Hello,' she replied, her voice husky, 'how are you?'

'I'm doing good,' and took a long drag of my cigarette, 'strange uniform.'

'I'm in the army.'

Her hands started inching towards my hips, 'I'm Christina. So, what does an army woman want with a stranger?'

'My name is… Kathy,' and her fingertips grazed the hem of my jeans, 'and I was hoping we wouldn't be strangers.'

Now, I normally don't do this, but the heat coming off of her was very intense. And those lovely blue eyes burned with passion. So, I invited her inside."

Memories of unzipping the jacket and removing her tunic brought a flush to my cheeks. As did the remembrance of taking her erect pink nipples in my mouth.

"I'm sorry, I got distracted, where was I?"

…

"Oh, right, so I invited her inside. Her fingers entwined with mine, and the sensation made my head spin. She was definitely interested in seeing the inside of my bedroom."

Again my thoughts wondered, to my tongue on her lower lips. Her legs shook as she came for the third time. I deliciously devoured her juices, and her fingers tangled in my long black hair.

"I wondered again, huh?

So. Inside my bedroom…"

The strange mystery woman bowed her head behind her security officer. I almost could touch her anxiety.

"In my room I showed her my poetry collection and we argued over the tonalities in several poems by Emily Dickinson."

I watched as Kathy covered her eyes with her hand.

"And after she left my house disappeared and I was in this strange room," I glanced at Kathy, "I think she called it a Holodeck. I wondered into the hallway, someone yelled for security, you showed up, hauled me here, asked me where I came from, I told you, and, look, here we are."

"Do you know this woman, Captain," he turned and asked Kathy.

"Yes, Tuvok," she replied, looking at him, "but I thought she was a hologram."

"And I thought you were a hallucination," I piped in, but they ignored me.

Tuvok looked slightly perturbed, almost constipated - I noted.

"This is most illogical."

Kathy just looked enraged, "Take her Sickbay, have the Doctor examine her. Look for anything; alien DNA, viruses, cloaking technology-"

"I understand, Captain," and he grabbed my by the arm.

"Hey," I protested, "you still haven't explained yourselves. Where the hell am I? Who the hell are you? And how the hell did I get here?"

She didn't even look at me, when less than an hour ago I had my tongue inside her. Talk about weird situation, still, I was still toying with the this-is-all-a-hallucination theory. Or they worked for the Government. In which case I was fucked.

The black man with pointy ears left me with the bald man, a Doctor apparently. An annoying individual.

I had nicer managers working for a fast food company.

"Please lie down," he instructed, guiding me to some sort of bed. This was a technically advanced hallucination, and I couldn't help but wonder if the stuff was laced. I figured if I played along it would be less trippy, that was until he started scanning me. I felt like a lab experiment. Eventually Kathy came down.

"She's not an alien," he told her, "and her cells show evidence of temporal distortion."

"Are saying she's telling the truth," she asked, dumbfounded. I felt a little left out, and they were talking about me.

"Excuse me," I interrupted, "I believe I requested an explanation."

She sighed, and approached me.

"I thought I was in the Holodeck and that you were a hologram, a photonic being. Somehow you ended up on Voyager, my starship, and there's evidence you may have been through an anomaly of some kind, possibly temporal. Though there's been no evidence of wormholes."

I nodded very slowly than said, "In English, please."

She face-palmed again, "You travelled through time, maybe. How? I don't know."

"See," I replied sarcastically, "was that so hard?"

I thought a witty retort was going to fly out of her mouth, instead, two large aliens appeared out of nowhere. They were easily seven feet tall, but had little physical distinctiveness, besides weird purple skin.

"Who are you," Kathy demanded, stepping back.

"Oh, don't be scared," one said quickly, "we only wanted to see if you got our gift."

"Gift," I asked, standing next to Kathy.

"You," the other being said, outstretching her arms, "you are our gift to Captain Janeway."

"We heard about your ship," the first echoed, "and thought you must be lonely. When we saw you headed to the Holodeck for an encounter we pulled Christina from Earth's 21st Century. Our species travels time, not space. She fit what you had programmed, and her temporal relocation caused a less than 0.0003% incursion, which is ten times less than Starfleet's Regulations. See, a gift."

Kathy looked very uncomfortable, as if weighing options.

"In English please," I requested.

One of them put their hands on my shoulders, "We took you two minutes before your death. If we return you, you'll die."

"You know what," I threw my hands in the air, "I'm suddenly very okay with this, thanks nice aliens."

"You're welcome," they said excitedly, "but we have to go! Other good gifts to give. Enjoy her Captain, she's exactly what you asked for."

"I, oh, but, wait," she stammered, but as quick as they came they were gone.

"So," I said softly, stepping closer to her, "I'm exactly what you wanted?"

I'm kind of getting sick of her face-palming, it's kind of insulting.

"You're in the twenty fourth century, on a spaceship, Voyager. Who is very far away from Earth, about thirty years away. I'm the Captain, the leader."

"This ship has a very sexy Captain," I commented, getting inside her personal bubble.

"I can't send you back to die," she stepped away, "but you leave me in an awkward position. Six years we've been in the Delta Quadrant. _Six years_. And I haven't slept with a member of my crew. But, here you are. My little lesbian secret."

"Well, no," I argued, "I wasn't a member of your crew until about ten minutes ago. Before that, I was still on Earth."

She fiddles with a triangle pin on her chest, "Well it's inappropriate conduct for a Starfleet Captain."

"I like inappropriate conduct," I ran my hand up her back, pulling her close, "in fact we could roleplay. You be the stubborn Captain I can't fuck and I'll be the bitterly sexually frustrated woman. Thirty years; and my choices are a black guy with pointy ears, a bald guy, or Captain Chastity."

"There are one hundred fifty men and women on this ship."

I smiled, and clapped my hand joyously, "This might not be so bad."

They assigned me quarters, nice ones, and private. Maybe Kathy was afraid I'd moan her name in my sleep and give her lesbian secret away. Oh, Captain Janeway, excuse me. Had to be respectful. Then I met Chakotay, and lost all respect for her. This man was her First Officer? What. The. Hell?

He said when he greeted, "I hope we can be friends."

I almost threw up on his boots, but they looked recently licked by some poor crewman.

"I hope I'm hallucinating."

"So the Captain's asked me to assign you a duty post," he sighed, "but I'm having a deep moral conflict about it. I mean, you're not familiar with our technology, and you never went to the Academy."

Seriously, this man was her _First Officer_?

"Well, duh," I replied.

"I know this must be a confusing time for you," he patted my hands.

I patted his hands as well, "I know everyday must present confusing challenges for you - but - good job Buddy."

Either he was as dumb as I thought or he ignored my insults.

"What did you study?"

"Psychology," I answered, "I was six months away from my degree."

"Oh, so you don't want to help Neelix in the Mess Hall?"

"Waitress," I laughed, "I could psychoanalyze circles around you. And what's with the tatty, is it supposed to be badass?"

He looked down at the floor, "I thought women liked them."

"Like I said earlier, good job Buddy."

"Is it true," Captain Queerdo asked, looking around the room.

"Is what true?"

"Did you and the Captain…"

"Did we what," I shrugged my shoulders, "have sugar with our coffee?"

He whispered to me, "Did you, you know, do her?"

I actually laughed in his face. Full out, belly-aching, floor rolling, pee pissing, laughed in his face. When was the last time somebody remembered to lay the poor man?

"No," I said simply, suddenly serious, "we did not. And I'm sure she wouldn't want to know you asked. Seriously, what the hell, my friend?"

His face lit up like a five year old on Christmas morning, "We're friends?"

I took a leaf from Kathy's book, and face-palmed.

Harry found Tom at his usual table, and eagerly joined his friend. Since the time they almost went gay in prison their friendship had much improved.

"Hey, pretty man friend," Tom greeted, Harry shook his head.

"I told you to stop that."

Tom sighed, "So, have you met _Christina_ yet?"

"Not yet," Harry replied, "but I'm still sure I'll fall in love."

"You know, the Captain's considering making her Ship's Counsellor. She has a Psychology degree or something."

"Nice," Harry looked thoughtful, "I heard she's really hot."

"Harry," Tom said, pained, "it makes me jealous when you talk about other people. Why can't it just be you and me?"

"I'm not gay, Tom. We have this conversation everyday."

"Please," he rebuked, "you're the effeminate young boy child. If anyone's going to be gay, it must be you."

Harry stood, and Tom followed him out of the Mess Hall. He ran to his quarters, but Tom got in anyways.

"Listen to me, Tom, I'm not gay."

"You play the clarinet and saxophone, admit it, you like blowing long hard things."

"Not. Gay."

He slid up to his young friend, and Tom embraced him. Harry's cheeks flushed, embarrassed.

"Why do you always fight," Tom whispered, as his lips found Harry's, and the younger man responded, "only to give in?"

Harry found Tom's zipper, "Feels nice to be fought for."

I guess I should have felt lucky, being promoted so fast. But I kind of felt like a whore, they way she treated me. As Counsellor I made Senior Staff (not a remarkable feat for some random person picked up along the way), and sat in on every briefing.

They really liked that technobabble. I mean, was that what constituted for dirty talk? Reinitializing the reaction after buffing the injector coils? I sat through a lot of briefings with a dazed look.

"Oh, Counsellor," Kathy called, as the Senior Staff filed out of the room, "please, stay."

Three weeks since coming aboard, and I made no secret of my desire to bed her again.

"Yes Captain," I sat back in my chair.

She sat on the table, a PADD in her hand.

"You've been seeing patients for two weeks now, how are you doing?"

"It's been twenty one days since I got laid," I exasperated, "and I have sessions booked solid for the next month."

"That's what I wanted to talk about," she folded her hands in her lap, "you've booked me for three solid hours."

"Have you not read the protocol regarding the psychological well-being of the Captain? I can relieve you of your Command."

"You're bluffing."

"Are you actually going to look it up?"

She frowned, "I could tell Chakotay to look it up."

"Oh, no, Captain, don't do that," I leaned in to whisper, "I've managed to give him some confidence. Yesterday he put all the Crayons in the box right side up."

"In six years he's never been able to do that," Kathy was shocked, "I'm impressed by your work. It looks like I'm all yours. Wait. All yours to psychoanalyze, nothing more."

I stood, standing between her legs, and leaning in to her, "What if I diagnose you with a bad case of horny and to seek immediate sexual release?"

Kathy pushed me away and stood, "Then I'll go and get a hologram, _Counsellor._"

"Aye, Captain."

The next day I met the woman of my dreams, B'Elanna Torres. She was five minutes late, and grumbled for ten minutes about Seven of Nine, but I didn't really hear what she'd said, too busy watching her chest heave in anger.

"Wow," I exclaimed, then realized I'd spoken aloud, "she can be difficult."

"See, I knew I was right," she sat on the couch opposite me.

I licked my lips, "How do you, let off steam?"

"Well, the Holodeck, I suppose," she crossed her arms, "and mostly fighting scenarios. I like to be physical when I'm upset. Sometimes combat, but mostly I like to…"

I almost came in that second, "Yes?"

"Well, I'm kind of embarrassed," she leaned in, her face inches from mine, "but I like to screw when I'm mad. And be physical about it. But Tom, well, he's more than just a wimp. He's so vanilla, and I'm so, not."

"Very interesting," my snatch was gathering moisture, and I hoped Klingons did not have a good sense of smell.

"You know," B'Elanna rested her head on her hand, "I think he's happier hanging out with Harry than being in bed with me. I mean, we used to rock Deck Nine Section Twelve - just ask that fucking Borg bitch - but not anymore. I'm so, pent up, I don't know what to do."

Me. Do me. Please, if there is a God, do me.

"Sadly we're out of time," I gasped, looking at the clock, "and I have an important appointment. There's an opening in my schedule for Friday, please, I'd like to continue."

B'Elanna smiled, and nodded. Hot damn, those burning brown eyes.

She left my quarters, and I let out the breath I'd been holding.

Kathy was my next appointment, and when she came, did I ever have a surprise for her.

****

[[ So ends Part One of my insanity. R&R please if you love laffs.]]


	2. Part Two

**Part Two**

**She came into my quarters with the elegance I anticipated, and the unfortunate formalities. I wanted to pick her brain for a bit then see if I couldn't melt the Ice Queen.**

"**Kathy," I greeted, sitting on the floor in front of my coffee table. **

**Her eyes refused to meet mine, "My name is not Kathy."**

**I motioned for her to sit on the floor as well, the table a wall between us. I wanted her, so bad, but she was so damn stubborn.**

"**Okay," I relented, "do you prefer Kathryn?"**

"**Whatever works for you."**

"**You're being a little defensive," I noted, and she folded her arms across her chest.**

"**So what if I am?"**

**I shook my head, and pulled out a small wooden box. Laying it on the table between us I removed the lid, to reveal a proper stash box. She watched with interest as I rolled up a herbal cigarette, but then found her sanity.**

"**What is that stuff," Kathy asked, her nostrils flaring. **

"**It's a form of relaxation," I said cautiously, "I was hoping we'd indulge together. Consider it alternative therapy."**

"**I'm not stupid," she replied, "it's dope. I know what dope is."**

"**Oh," I leaned closer to her, "and how would you know what dope is?"**

**She looked uncomfortable, but did not take her eyes off the joint on her table. Kathy was an awesome person waiting for a reason not to be so fettered down by regulations. I wanted to release her potential, in more ways than one.**

"**You know," I spoke slowly and delicately, "these sessions are completely confidential. What happens in this room stays in this room."**

**I didn't wait for a reply, instead I took out my lighter and started the joint. She watched with her jaw extended as I took a long toke. I expected her to face-palm again, but instead she accepted a pass.**

"**I haven't done something like this," she stammered, slowly inhaling. I could tell her lungs were not used to the harshness, as her exhale smoke came out in coughs. Easy Bake Oven Kathy, my new secret pet name for her. **

"**I want to ask you something, Kathy."**

**She nodded and took another hit, greedy lungs.**

"**What brought you to the Holodeck, looking for someone like me?"**

**Kathy let out a sigh and passed back to me, "I was curious. You see, I've been seeing Micheal, a hologram from the Fair Haven simulation. We started talking about other partners and he confessed to having been with a man before I came along. I felt like I was missing a worthwhile experience. Same sex relations was undiscovered territory for me."**

"**You certainly seemed to know what you were doing," I said coyly, gauging her reaction. She laughed.**

"**I'm a scientist Christina," she explained, eyes bloodshot, "so naturally I did research. But you, exceeded all hypotheses."**

**It was sad, but that was the closest thing I'd heard to a compliment from her. **

"**Thank-you," I watched in awe as she took another drag, and scooted myself around the table until I was next to her.**

"**Have you ever tried shotgunning before?"**

**Kathy shook her head, "No."**

"**Put the joint in your lips, and take a long drag," she put the joint in her mouth and removed her hands. I used my mouth and covered Kathy's, inhaling as she did. She pulled away, to exhale a cloud of smoke. Her breath was deep, and I sensed her arousal.**

"**Testing a hypothesis once is hardly an experiment," I told her, pressing my body to hers, "you should test it multiple times."**

**Her lips found mine, we kissed, her tongue found mine. The heat from Kathy was dizzying.**

"**Christina," she pulled from me, "I can't do this. You're my subordinate."**

"**What happens in our sessions," I rubbed my fingers against her hips, "is between me and my patient."**

"**Oh," she moaned, as my hands slipped under her shirts, going upwards. **

"**I can't-" Kathy protested.**

"**Yes, yes you can," I replied, kissing her neck.**

"**No."**

"**Yes."**

**Her voice said no, but her body only got closer to mine. **

"**You know what," she stated, as I undid her bra, "protocols be damned."**

"**Kathy," my lips found her nipples, "now you get it. Tonight I'm going to show you why once you go gay you stay this way."**

**And I did. Four times. **

**This would have been the best situation for me, if not for that nosey prick Chakotay. I would like to know why Kathy didn't push him out an airlock after six minutes, I would have. He seemed to get the notion that Kathy and I were lovers. Seriously, I'm surprised he figured out how to put pants on. But he did bust us. **

**It was two months after I came aboard, and I saw Kathy in my quarters at least twice a week. Since Chakotay was always following her around even he realized. On a side note, I'd like to say the sex was amazing. Kathy may be all Virgin Mother on the Bridge but in my bed she was a nymph. **

**Right, back to Chakotay. **

**So apparently he knew Kathy had a two hour session with me, and came by fifteen minutes early to meet her. He heard moaning. Not me, by the way, my mouth was full. When Kathy exited, still wobbly from our session, Chakotay's one brain cell managed to put it all together. **

**He confronted me in his therapy session.**

"**So, Counsellor," he said, "you know it's a breech of Starfleet Protocol to sleep with a crewman you're counselling."**

"**Don't worry," I replied, "we'll never cross that line."**

"**But you have crossed it," he sat across from me.**

"**Um, no."**

"**Yes," Chakotay disagreed, "and with the Captain."**

**I made a note to have Kathy remove his balls and add them to her collection. **

"**Don't be a moron, of course not. Unlike some, I'm not a fucking idiot."**

"**Yes," he said again, "I figured it out. You're doing the Captain. Admit it!"**

"**I feel like you have some unresolved emotions over the Captain."**

"**Well, yeah," Chakotay sat, calm.**

"**Then let me help you understand your obsession," I offered.**

**Chakotay nearly cried, "You can actually help me?"**

"**Absolutely," I resolved, "you need to realize three important things about yourself; you're a fucking idiot, she's way out of your league, and if you don't shut up I'm going to beam you into space."**

**His eyes widened, "I get it now. Everything is so clear."**

**I swear he's not being sarcastic, as evidenced by his next comment.**

"**You're a genius Counsellor," he said, excitedly, "I think I'm ready to move on. You know, I think B'Elanna had the hots for me once."**

"**No," I snapped, "not B'Elanna, don't you touch her."**

**I'd been working very hard at getting freaky with Lt. Torres, and I was not going to let him even try. **

"**Why not?"**

"**Because," I paused to think, "because, I recommend you abstain from sexual exploits. You're entering into a very confusing time in your psychological progression."**

"**I am?"**

"**Yes, you are," like I said earlier, **_**this was her First Officer**_**, "I can't stand the thought of you having sex. At all."**

"**Okay," Chakotay agreed, "I can meditate about this and seek my Spirit Guide to assist me. Christina, if you'd like I can take you on a Vision Quest."**

**Oh hell no, and you know why?**

"**I don't exactly like the idea of being under the influence of psychotropic chemicals, alone with you, and in your locked quarters."**

"**Fair enough," he shook my hand, smiled, and left my quarters. **

**When I opened the door to a chime past midnight I was surprised to see B'Elanna, in her nightclothes. She tackled me to the ground, and ripped open my buttoned blouse.**

"**We've been doing this dance too long," I hard buttons hit the floor as she parted my shirt, "I know what you want, and you know what I want. So either you give it to me, or I'll take it."**

**That was the last coherent thing either of us said for the next two hours. She was unrelenting in her demands for pleasure and her giving of it. And between eight orgasms and her throwing me around my quarters I was exhausted. My sweat mingled with hers as B'Elanna lay next to me, spent in every way. **

"**You are a worthy lover," she said, her soft voice heating my flesh. **

**I wrapped my arms around her nude form, "Women like you are the reason I breath."**

**B'Elanna would not be satisfied after only one session, but between her and Kathy things were getting out of hand. Some nights I would be with Kathy and B'Elanna would try hailing. Eventually I would disable the Com System when either was with me. **

**Then everything went to hell. **

**It was Friday, and I was with B'Elanna, on the floor of my quarters. She had her tongue on my lower lips when my door chimed.**

"**Ignore it," she growled, increasing her efforts.**

**The door chimed again. I should have answered it, but I was close. Had I been on the other side of the door I would have heard the computer tell Kathy I was in my quarters, and see the worried look on her face. I also would have seen her override the lock on my doors, but, no, I didn't happen that way. Instead I saw her looking down at B'Elanna and me, her frame silhouetted by light from the corridor. I also saw the look of shock on her face; the look of betrayal. **

**I know you think I'm a prick right now, but in my defence she never told me I was anything more than a dalliance. **

**Pushing B'Elanna off of me I had just enough time to catch Kathy's glare before she spun around and left. **

**I did feel like a prick, so I told B'Elanna she had to go. Disengaging the environmental controls I lit up, and stared out into the stars. I thought about my family, especially my younger sister. They were long dead, as well as their grandchildren. Had Kathy not had some random lesbian urge I'd be dead too. I owed her my life, and I repaid her by becoming a buffet. Even though what we shared was a far cry from love I had still disrespected the bond. **


	3. Part Three

**Part Three**

I went to her, because after a week I couldn't sleep or stomach food. B'Elanna didn't understand either, and stopped speaking to me. Besides mandatory sessions she never sought me out. Kathy was different. She cancelled our sessions, and I didn't push her. Fuck was she mad, but she was right. And I almost lost her thanks to the prick, Chakotay.

He knew Kathy had stopped seeing me, and took it as an opportunity to swoop in. They were having dinner in her quarters.

"Kathryn," Chakotay said quietly, "what's gotten into you? You're so distant lately."

Kathy sighed, "I really don't think you have the capacity to understand."

"Try me."

"Okay," she poured another cup of coffee, "I'll tell you. But you need to listen as a friend, and not a Starfleet officer. I was intimately involved with someone aboard our ship, for a long time now. One night I went to her quarters and found my Chief Whore Engineer between her thighs. I'm fucking pissed off, damn it!"

Kathy slammed her fists on the table, Chakotay got scared, and peed a little.

"Is it Christina?"

Returning to her seat she admitted, "Yes."

"I should have known,"Chakotay realised, "she told me the thought of me having sex was intolerable."

Kathy looked away, "She's not the first woman to think that."

"True," he agreed, "but I specifically mentioned lusting for B'Elanna."

The anger in Kathy reached critical mass, "You mean to tell me their fling was ongoing? Not just once."

"Check the logs," he suggested, "you'll see how often B'Elanna was in Christina's quarters."

"I don't fucking believe this," Kathy threw a chair across the room, "a bunch of sluts they are. And behind my back? _My back_? Oh, no they didn't."

"This is a sign," Chakotay stood close to Kathy, "that I was meant for you. Clearly you don't give a shit about protocol."

I need to interject something here. Had I been in the room, and invisible, I would have pushed his eyes out the back of his skull. How dare he presume he's good enough for Kathy. How dare he even breath the same sweet air as her. She should have beamed him into space after the first terrible spiel about Angry Warriors. Anyways, I digress.

"Are you fucking serious," Kathy face-palmed again, "you were meant for me… _as punishment_. But you're Maquis buddies seem to like you so everyday I have to remind myself not to push you out an airlock. Sometimes twice a on day you've been especially irritating."

Chakotay took Kathy's hands in his, "I love you Kathryn."

She pulled her hands away and slapped him.

"Dismissed. I am your Captain. And I'm clearly into women."

He whimpered all the way to his quarters, then jerked off to the memory of Kathy slapping him. Pervert.

I ended up in front of her door two nights later, scared for my life. Seriously, one order and they'll take away oxygen. Screwing up what courage I had I chimed her door.

"Come in," she called.

Kathy was on her chair, a PADD in hand, with only her jacket off. When she turned to see me she stood quickly, glaring.

"Can we talk," I asked, coming closer but maintaining a respectful distance.

"How dare you," she spat, "come into my quarters. After what you did."

Okay, so the next comment should have never been said, "What about what you did, Kathy?"

She reeled, as if I struck her, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

"What was I," I asked, "to you? An experiment, a lover, a friend? You never said anything. I can't even spend the night. Or have breakfast. When there's gatherings in Fair Haven it's not me with you, it's Micheal. A male hologram."

"Micheal," Kathy paused, "was for appearances. I don't just fuck someone. I care about you. You've changed the way I love."

I broke, and bowed my head, "I fucked up Kathy. And I'm sorry."

She came towards me, "As I recall B'Elanna was the one doing all the fucking."

"Come on," I pleaded, "that was fair, I earned that. But this hasn't been easy for me. I lost everyone in the blink of en eye."

"That's no excuse," she argued, "for what happened. Pain is eating ice cream and gaining a few pounds, not spreading for the Klingon."

That was mean, "Maybe if you were less of a pillow queen I wouldn't have to get someone else to do your job."

Kathy's jaw dropped at my remark, "I reciprocated."

"Barely," someone needed to commit a mercy killing, because I should have gotten down and my knees and begged for forgiveness, but, no, I carried on, "you don't like pussy Kathy."

I didn't realise we had been slowing getting closer, and now my face was three inches from mine. Her cheeks were flushed, sweat on her brow, pupils dilated… she was aroused? Hmm.

"I like pussy," Kathy leaned closer to me, "but you hold yourself back from a proper orgasm. I don't feel I can bring you pleasure."

Our faces and bodies were making contact, and my senses flooded with sensations.

"You bring me immense pleasure," I whispered, and let my tongue flick against her ear, "beyond imagination."

She nuzzled against my neck, "I want to bring you pleasure now."

In an instant my arms were around her, and my lips on hers. I tugged off her shirt as she undid my buttons, and as one mind we removed each other's bra. Her lips found my nipples, and I threw my head back in pleasure. Tracing circles around her other hand found the front of my pants, and instead of removing them she just slipped in under my clothes. I felt her fingers on my vulva, as I moved my hand into a similar position. Our strokes were in unison, and it became increasingly difficult to stand. Without missing a beat she pressed me against the wall, increasing her efforts.

"Wait until I'm ready," she whispered in my ear, and I nodded.

I quickened my pace to match hers and soon we were both breathing heavily.

"Now," I asked in gasps, but she shook her head, and I let out a deep moan. She was making it increasingly difficult to contain myself, so I changed my tactics, satisfied to see her tremble.

Kathy leaned into me for support, and my breath was hot on her hair. When I finally thought I couldn't wait another second Kathy whispered, "Now."

Way lay in her bed together, her head on my chest, the smell of our lovemaking in the air. I thought I would die of satisfaction.

"I can't do this," Kathy suddenly whispered, sitting up, "I lied to you."

"What are you talking about," I asked lazily.

She looked away, "After I saw you with B'Elanna I was mad. And a few nights later, I slept with someone else."

Well that certainly got my attention, there she was playing the guilt card when she was a hoe too. I sat up and looked at her.

"I swear to God," I said sharply, "if you say it was Chakotay I'll fucking die."

"I was angry," she replied, "not completely out of my fucking mind. No, it was Seven of Nine I found."

I froze in place, my eyes averted, and barely breathed. She looked at me, waiting for a response, and I gave her silence.

"Please," she finally said, "say something."

I looked her directly in the eyes, "Was she better in bed than me?"

"Better? No, but definitely different."

Well, this I could live with, and wasn't that something? Had my Kathy actually melted the Ice Queen. That was intriguing.

"Kathy," I told her, "you're cute and all. But I think you're bullshitting me."

"You'll find Seven quite eager for intimacy," she explained, "it's just nobody had the balls to actually approach her."

I pulled the blanket away from Kathy and smiled, "That's pretty hot, to think you did the dirty with the drone."

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah," I pressed my body to Kathy's, "tell me about it. Describe to me what's underneath that spandex."

"I'm sorry," she pulled back from me, "but aren't you supposed to be angry?"

"Angry? Hell yeah I'm angry, angry I wasn't there too."

"Darling, I don't understand."

"Well the way I see it," I replied, "is we're even now. Though I am very curious about Sexy Seven. What color we're her nipples?"

"There were pink, but that's not the point."

I sighed, and told Kathy in between kisses, "Think about this. Were you all angry when you saw B'Elanna and me? Were you maybe a little turned on too?"

Kathy bowed her head in shame, "Yes. A lot actually."

"See."

"It's got to be more than that," she said, as I lowered my lips to her collarbone, "maybe on some level I want to fuck B'Elanna and you want Seven."

"Kathy," I groaned, "I've never made a secret of my longings for Borg. Remember the time I asked you to wear a blonde wig?"

"Oh, right."

"I wonder," I thought aloud, "if we couldn't have some sort of wager."

"Oh?"

I spoke carefully, "Who could do it first? You and B'Elanna or me and Seven? Winner gets to make a demand and the loser can't refuse."

"Darling," she sat up, kissed my hand and patted it, "I'm the Captain of the ship. There's no way you'd win."

"Are you willing to risk it?"

She smiles coyly, "You're out of your league babe. But challenge accepted. Contest starts tomorrow at oh nine hundred, tonight you're mine."

The next morning I scheduled an urgent counselling session with Seven, but didn't realize she had encountered Kathy on they way.

"Captain," Seven greeted, on her way to my quarters, "good morning."

"Hello Seven," Kathy replied.

"What do you have planned?"

"Oh, just off to Engineering," she smirked, "I have to discuss a personal project with Lt. Torres."

"With my expertise I could be of assistance," Seven offered.

"Aren't you headed somewhere?"

"Just a counselling session, but it is an inefficient use of my time."

Kathy's eyes sparkled with amusement, "No. You go to her Seven. In the meantime, I really must rush to Engineering. Next time."


	4. Part Four

**Part Four**

"Seven," I greeted, as she strolled into my quarters. Wow, my Kathy, and this cybernetic goddess?

"You requested my presence Counsellor," she said simply.

I frowned, "Please drop the formalities. I called you here to discuss a personal matter."

Her jaw clenched, "This is an unacceptable use of my time. INEFFICIENT."

I think the poor woman may have been able to use some psychotherapy, but I wasn't there to do my job, no, I had a bet to win.

"I'm afraid I learned of your transgression," I stood to face her, "you had sex with my woman, and that's _unacceptable_."

"Yes," she said coldly, "the Captain and I engaged in intimate relations."

I swallowed my smile, "Could you demonstrate?"

"I … don't understand."

"Me neither," I agreed, inwardly proud of my obvious ploy, "which is why I need to know exactly what happened. I believe you have eidetic memory."

"Indeed," I could have sworn I saw a smile on her lips, "I will recount exactly what happened."

I touched my finger to my lips, "There's an old adage 'actions speak louder than words'. Pretend I'm the Captain, and please, spare no details."

She approached me, and began to remove her cat suit.

"I will comply."

Meanwhile, Kathy entered Engineering and sought out B'Elanna. She smiled to see the Engineer in a rage, and having poor Lt. Carey licking her boots clean.

"Captain," B'Elanna said, startled.

"As you were," Kathy replied, "B'Elanna, I need to see you, immediately, regarding a personal matter."

The Klingon nodded, and motioned for Kathy to follow her to the second level.

"You said you had something to discuss," her voice shook; secretly B'Elanna was terrified of her Captain. In meetings she avoided her gaze, and never accepted dinner invitations, and in the early years there were a lot of them.

Kathy placed her hands on her hips, "It's about Christina."

A flush highlighted B'Elanna's ridges and she stared at her freshly cleaned boots.

"Is there something you wish to confess?"

"I'm sorry Captain," she whispered, "Tom and I are on the rocks, seeing as how he's doing Harry, and Christina had been making veiled innuendoes, so one night we … consummated our desires."

Kathy did her best to remain serious, "And you expect me to believe you only fucked her once?"

"Well, we were involved for a bit. I'm so sorry Captain. You should know I haven't seen her in a while."

"It doesn't matter, "Kathy grabbed B'Elanna fiercely by the shoulders, "now you tell me, how you plan to make it up to me?"

"Ma'am," B'Elanna looked at Kathy, confused.

"She was unfaithful, it's only fair I be afforded the same rights as everybody else."

"Are you…" B'Elanna folded her arms, "propositioning me?"

"Well, I'd rather not make it an order."

"You can't do that," she argued.

"Oh can't I," Kathy said softly, "and just who do you think is going to disobey me?"

B'Elanna was stuck between a rock and a hot place. She wondered what strange desires lay hidden behind those blue eyes.

"Can you handle me," she challenged Kathy.

Kathy pushed her to the ground and bit her cheek, "It's not me I'm worried about."

My back arched as Seven coaxed another orgasm from me. Her Borg enhanced hand buried deep within my thighs.

"Are all the Borg like this," I asked, gasping for breath.

"I am unique."

I sighed, "Too bad."

"Well, after her fourth climax the Captain was exhausted and excused herself," Seven explained, monotone.

"Wait a minute," I said, "didn't she reciprocate?"

"No she did not."

I had to smother a laugh. My Kathy really was the Pillow Queen Queen.

"Would you like to experience the same pleasure you've brought me?"

"It would be an interesting experience," she thought for a moment, "and another way to explore my humanity."

B'Elanna nearly hit her head on the Jeffries Tube ceiling when Kathy jerked her body with another orgasm. They were in a remote section of Deck Seven, Kathy lying on top of a pant-free B'Elanna. Sweat pooled beneath them, the scent of sex in the air.

"Had enough," Kathy asked, lifting her head.

B'Elanna growled, "I think five is enough for today."

A chuckle came from Kathy's lips.

"It's fucking hot in here."

"Agreed," replied B'Elanna, "perhaps we should relocate."

"Nope," Kathy said, "unless you're up for more. I don't want you to return the favour."

"Oh," B'Elanna thought surely the Captain was a bottom, "well, thanks for what, uh, what just happened."

"A one time thing, Lieutenant," Kathy informed B'Elanna, "I had a wager with Christina. To see who could cheat first, and I believe I've won."

Well, that pissed off the half-Klingon just a little bit.

"A bet? Are you fucking serious?"

"Yes," Kathy answered, passing B'Elanna her clothes, "but I did enjoy this experience."

"Well, I'm glad you did," B'Elanna got dressed and pushed passed Kathy, not saying a word, and exited the tube. Kathy sighed, a satisfied smirk on her face. She wondered what her demand would be.

B'Elanna fumed all the way to the Mess Hall, her blood pumping. How dare my Kathy take advantage of her, and her sexual addiction. Worst of all, the only free chair was at Seven's table.

"Mind if I join you?"

"If you insist," Seven replied, taking a sip of Nutritional Supplement Beta Twelve.

B'Elanna sat with a thud and started viciously attacking her lunch.

"Are you upset Lieutenant?"

"I'd rather not talk about it," B'Elanna gruffly replied.

"Then you sat at the right table," Seven rebutted, "since I do not wish to disclose my emotions."

"Good," snapped back B'Elanna, and they sat in silence for several moments.

"So, what happened to you Seven?"

"Someone made a wager with someone else regarding me," she explained cryptically, "and I feel very insulted."

"Funny, I had a similar thing happened to me," B'Elanna smiled, "let me guess, Christina came to you and convinced you to sleep with her?"

"That is correct," Seven thought for a second, "then you would be the one the Captain approached, did you engage in intimate relations?"

Blush flooded her face, "I did."

"This is not acceptable."

"Agreed," B'Elanna felt her temper rising, "we need to teach those two a lesson about respecting women on this ship."

"That is the most efficient way to punish them. I will comply with any plans."

"Excellent."

So little did I know that Kathy and I were in for it. In fact, we both had no idea. We had lived out a fantasy, and it lead us to explore other ones. The same night we met in my quarters, to settle the wager, and, like all of Kathy's wisdom, it came from a technicality.

"Seven and I started having sex at nine hundred fifteen hours," I said, smiling with victory, "and you didn't start until nine hundred thirty two hours."

"Why are you smiling," Kathy asked, "when I won. The best was to see who could fuck first, not be fucked. You didn't fuck anyone until nine hundred fifty seven."

My jaw dropped, Kathy was right. Oh damn. I wondered what sort of request she'd have for me.

"Fine," I relented, "you win."

"Goody," she thought for a moment, "I could ask that you do something horrible, like bedding Chakotay."

"Hell no," I waved my hands, "if you request is Chakotay I choose suicide."

"Oh, he's not that bad."

"Please, even you must hate his idiotic behaviour."

"I expected his stupidity," she explained, "but I never thought it'd be this bad, so long, and so frequent."

I smiled, "I guess not all pain is gain."

"Certainly not, but I'm not sure about my demand, not yet. You'll just have to wait."

So I waited, one week and than two. But then Kathy and I were victim to revenge, and that started a whole mess. Of course the blame is all Chakotay's, after all - he did throw Kathy for a loop.

"Captain, can I have a word with you," he asked, upon entering her Ready Room.

Kathy controlled the urge to roll her eyes, "Of course Commander."

"Crewman Ro and Chell are both applying for a transfer to Engineering," he looked pained, "and I don't know what to do. The console you programmed to tell me what to do couldn't figure it out."

"Ah, the console," she smiled at her genius, the console next to his chair telling him what to do, "well, it would look bad if you were completely incompetent."

"There's something else," he looked around the room, as if someone might overhear them, "sexual activity on this ship has increased exponentially. Especially homosexual activity."

"Really," she put her hand on his shoulder, "just because women don't like you doesn't mean they're gay, sane mostly. I think this has something to do with your perception. Chakotay, do you know what the common flaw in all of your failed relationships is?"

He shook his head.

"You."

"Maybe," he looked sad, "it seems like everyone on Voyager is getting laid but me."

"Thank fucking God," Kathy muttered.

"Kathryn" Chakotay said in his pretend man voice, "you know I love you?"

"Give up," she snapped, "somehow hanging in there makes you look like an even bigger loser. I'll never go for you Chakotay, and you know that. Please, if there is any good in the Universe you'll stop."

"Okay."

Kathy went to my quarters that night, a holo-imager in hand. She told me the Doctor had asked her to fix it. Whatever. I had plans tonight.

"Kathy," I began, "I want to replicate a … device for our pleasure."

"Oh," she replied, "what did you have in mind?"

I explained to her the concept of a strap-on.

Her mouth gaped open, "You want to replicate what?"

"Come on. If you don't like it I'll get rid of it."

She paused in thought for a moment, "Okay."

I typed a few commands into the computer, and held up the device.

"You know, darling," she looked nervous, "I haven't really had sex in like, six years. That's a long time. And what, you replicate twelve inches?"

"Kathy," I chuckled, "do you suffer from penis envy?"

"Envy," she laughed back, "I'm afraid the damn thing might eat me."

We both had a good laugh and Kathy insisted she be the one to wear it.

"My demand."

"Okay," I paced around her, and picked up the holo-imager, "you know, Tom and I were talking about porn on the Holodeck, and how many people load their databases up with it. I know its broken, but we could pretend we were making a holovid."

She smiled devilishly, "Absolutely."

Little did we know what was really going on. Somewhere in the bowels of Voyager a Borg and a Klingon were watching _and recording_. There was nothing wrong with the camera. We'd been set up. In two hours the video of Kathy fucking me with a twelve inch purple dick was all over the ship - though strangely enough never to Chakotay - and in three days would go back in a datastream to Earth.

Well, a copy did hit the desk of Admiral Paris, in the form of a report. He was not very impressed, and not the least bit turned on. Apparently the Paris family flag had a large rainbow streak. But I have to ask a question, who's the fucking guy who decided to tell the Admiral?

**[[You like? Review. You hate? Review. You read my story… get cookie!]]**


	5. Part Five

Kathy came storming into my quarters after receiving an official "WTF?!" from Admiral Paris. She had a copy of our movie in hand.

"What the hell is this," I asked her.

"Isn't it obvious," she asked, "we were taped."

"You," I accused, "you brought the camera that night!"

She looked really pissed, but I was happy to have my hands on a copy. Oh, and Chakotay was trying to get one, but didn't.

"Only because the Doctor asked me to," replied Kathy, "maybe he set us up?"

I shook my head, "He doesn't seem like the perv type. And this feels more like revenge than anything."

Kathy paced, "But who?"

I stopped in my tracks, "Well, I bet B'Elanna and Seven weren't too impressed with our wager."

Yes, them. The little traitors. She sat, and over several cups of coffee we deduced a plan for revenge of our own. I mean, Kathy's rank was at stake, not that they could really take it away from her thirty thousand light years from Earth. And I was pretty sure they felt safer with Kathy in command than Chakotay.

We hatched our scheme in the Briefing Room.

"Anything else to discuss?"

"Yes," said Chakotay, "a crewman, Naomi Wildman, is out of coloring pages."

Kathy rolled her eyes, "Can someone replicate Chakotay a coloring book?"

"With dinosaurs," he asked.

I smothered a giggle as Kathy face-palmed.

"One more thing," said Kathy, "it's about this video. I did some investigating, and I believe you owe the crew and myself, an explanation Doctor."

"Captain," he said, insulted, "I would never do such a thing. I find organic women disgusting, and unworthy of my overbearing perfection."

"Still," she replied, "I'm going to order a reset of your program, unless someone has something they wish to confess."

I saw B'Elanna shoot Seven a worried glance.

"Captain," began Seven, "I was responsible for the video in question. I was curious about lesbian sexual behaviour."

Damn, she trumped Kathy, the whole I want to be an individual thingy they had going on. Shit.

"There must have been a better way."

Seven shook her head, "It was the most efficient."

Huh.

Well , then, if it was more efficient. How do you like that?

Kathy face-palmed, "Well cut it out. I'm not impressed. And neither is Admiral Paris. I have to give him an explanation that removes all blame from me."

The Doctor spoke, "And frankly what else could explain Mr. Kim and Mr. Paris? And the behaviour of our Captain?"

"You're right," Kathy stood, "but it seems Chakotay has been unaffected."

The Doctor nervously cleared his throat.

Chakotay looked up with kicked-puppy eyes.

"I'm not supposed to talk about it," he said sadly.

I saw the Doctor shoot the Commander a death glare, and I remembered he never was quite the same after playing the Priest in Fair Haven.

"Then don't," Kathy said quickly, "okay? We'll reconvene here in three hours, find something."

I waited as everyone left the room, and sat alone with Kathy.

"I don't think they'll send another video," she said.

I agreed, "Me neither."

"Then we can rest easy, and I'm sure Seven will find something, she always does."

And believe it or not she did.

Back in the Briefing Room we gathered again, Chakotay's stupidity distracted by a coloring book, his crayons spread out on the table.

It was a nebula they had passed two weeks before I came aboard, according to some half-witted explanation.

"A nebula that made us all gay," Kathryn let out a sigh, "this isn't another one of Braga's episodes is it?"

"I'm just glad I'm not a lizard this time," said Tom.

"And what could possibly be the explanation," asked Kathy aloud.

"I don't know," answered B'Elanna, "but I'm pretty sure it's going to have nothing to do with something that actually makes sense."

Kathy rolled her eyes, "I can't do this again; it just isn't fair."

Chakotay looked up, panicked, "Where's my yellow crayon."

I saw Kathy's face change as she snapped.

"Shut up," she shouted, "or I'll 'yellow crayon' you out an airlock!"

He let out a meep and ducked under the table.

She took a few deep breaths, "I guess I can accept that a nebula made us gay, it's just another stretch for Braga. This will be painful, but it's best just to get it over with. Please continue Seven."

Seven continued her explanation, "The radial polarization of the nebula's

nucleogenic particles created a reaction in the neural centres of our glands. The reaction had several side effects, primary among them homosexual tendencies."

"And I'm sure you have an equally confusing way of solving the problem," asked Kathy sarcastically.

Seven sighed, "It's not my fault you know, I just read what it says."

"I know Seven," said Kathy, "and I'm sorry."

"And I don't know why I'm the one to have the long painful explanations," Seven ranted, "it's not like anyone listens to me. They just stare at my chest."

Kathy tore her eyes from Seven's breasts, "I'm sorry, did you say something?"

Seven sat angrily, "It's fine. Not like I ever say anything important anyways."

"Back to the matter hand," interjected the Doctor, as he leered at Chakotay.

"I don't think we should reverse the changes," Neelix said, finally piping up, "crew morale has never been higher, and don't we all deserve to be happy?"

"Point taken Mr. Neelix," Kathy thought for a moment, "and I completely agree. We can reverse this whenever, and crew members that want the treatment can be treated. I won't force it on anyone."

"I have a question," said me, "if this effected our organic systems, how does that explain the Doctor?"

"It doesn't," replied Seven, "an obvious loophole, one that everyone accepts, like the unending supply of shuttles and photon torpedoes."

Then there was a flash of white light, and a strange looking man wearing a Captain's uniform appeared.

"Kathy," he greeted, "I just saw the video."

"Q," Kathy groaned, "I should have known you were responsible."

He went around the table, standing next to her.

"Absolutely not," he said, "I'm insulted you think I would be responsible for such a thing. But it is more bearable than you and Chuckles. I finally understand why you turned me down, but I am an omnipotent being-"

I turned to Harry on my left, "Did he just say impotent?"

He snapped his fingers, and turned me into coffee cup.

"Q," snapped Kathy, "turn Christina back."

"Why," he asked, "she's much less insulting this way."

In another whoosh of his hand I was me again, thank goodness.

"My ego is hurt," he told her, "and my ego could eat small planetoids."

"My apologies, Q," Kathy said diplomatically.

He smiled, "It's alright, all is forgiven. Bye."

Then he was gone again.

"Well," Kathy continued, "Seven you will of course be punished. Along with several long boring lectures by me you have to help Chakotay pick up his crayons, and no doing it for him, oh, and make sure they're in alphabetical order."

Seven glared us all the way out the door, and turned to Chakotay.

"Find all the colours that start with 'a' and put them in a pile," she ordered, and Chakotay pouted.

"No," he said stubbornly.

"I will replicate a dessert."

He smiled, and picked up a crayon.

"Does Aqua Marine go under 'a' or 'm'?"

She looked him in the eye, "Why does Captain Janeway hate me?"

Chakotay sheepishly started to sort his crayons in silence.

"You know," he began, "if not for this weird anomaly we might've hooked up."

"I would rather have an elongated branch with a cuspate end inserted into my ocular implant," she said.

His brows knitted, "I don't get it."

She resisted the urge to assimilate him, telling herself he would only pollute perfection.

"A sharp stick in the eye."

I walked with Kathy, to her quarters, and she replicated us both a cup of coffee. We had gotten our revenge, sort of, but it felt hollow.

"This is bullshit," I said, "they deserve a lot more punishment. You're the Captain, do something."

She shook her head, went over to her desk, grabbed a thick book, and handed it to me. The title read 'The Rules'. It was at least six hundred pages. I laughed aloud.

"I've been around for a while," I told her, and handed her a book of my own, a thin volume with only one page, "this is what you follow."

The title was 'The Golden Rule', and when Kathy opened the book she read, 'Captain Janeway is always right'.

She nodded, "Pretty much, but occasionally I let people think otherwise."

"Maybe we could try a truce," I said carefully.

She nodded again, "What did you have in mind?"

"Let's invite them over," I replied, "and pass the peace pipe. There's no reason we couldn't all be friends."

So we sent out computer invites.

B'Elanna found Seven in the Mess Hall, a PADD in hand.

"Hello," she greeted, "can I sit?"

"Please do," Seven replied, "Chakotay threatened to join me."

She leaned over, "Did you get the olive branch from Christina and the Captain?"

Seven replied, "I did. And I researched the history of 'hash'."

"And?"

"I have not had that experience," she answered, "and it would be a loss of an opportunity. Besides, we can't be mad forever."

"You're right," B'Elanna agreed, "and I'll go too."

They brought munchies, as per Seven's research. I greeted them, and we went into my quarters. Kathy was sitting cross-legged at the coffee table, plucking absentmindedly at an acoustic guitar.

We chatted easily for a few minutes, and I brought out my little wooden box.

"I haven't smoked this stuff in a long time," confessed B'Elanna.

"Lieutenant," I said, "you've smoked before?"

She nodded, "I spent an entire semester in Canada."

"Whereabouts?"

"British Columbia."

I smiled, and packed a bowl for the circle. I started, passing the bowl to Seven, and instructed her on how to inhale. She coughed loudly, and handed it to Kathy. Kathy took a small hit, to get her lungs seasoned, and passed it to B'Elanna, who took a large hit, held it, and never coughed once.

"Just one semester," I joked.

The passes continued, and I chuckled to see Seven, eyed bloodshot, hands flat on the table in front of her.

"Perfection is unattainable," she said suddenly, "and that is the resistance to the Borg."

"You're right," Kathy agreed, "imperfection is a weapon."

"How could it be a weapon," B'Elanna asked.

Seven explained, "Because it's the measure for the Collective."

I spoke slowly, "But who decides what perfection is?"

They all bowed their heads.

"That's deep," said Seven, bobbing her head.

We all ceased speaking, lost in our own hazy thoughts.


End file.
